What Does Biblical Submission in Marriage Actually Mean — and Who Goes First?

From the sermon preached on January 25, 2026

Most people who have a problem with the word "submission" have a good reason for it. They've seen it used to keep someone small. They've seen it dressed up in religious language to justify a relationship where one person did all the giving and the other did all the taking. That is not what the apostle Paul is describing in Ephesians 5. Biblical submission in marriage — and in every relationship — is a mutual, counterbalanced act. It begins not with the weaker person yielding but with whoever is willing to go first in showing respect, in laying down self, in living with the kind of humility that the world generally considers a bad strategy. Paul's call is not for one person to comply. It is a call for both people to live like Jesus — and that is a harder, more specific, and far more hopeful thing.

The word "submit" shows up in Ephesians 5:22 — "Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord" — and that is usually where people either nod or stop reading. But the sentence before it, Ephesians 5:21, sets the whole frame: "submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ." Paul is not carving out a one-directional command. He is describing a posture that every follower of Jesus is called to take toward every other person in their life, with marriage as one of the most concrete and demanding places to practice it.

And then Paul immediately turns to the husbands. "Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her" (Ephesians 5:25). This is not a small ask tacked on as an afterthought. To love like Christ loved the church is to be willing to lay down your life — to forsake anything that would harm the people in your care, to protect, to provide, to put someone else's flourishing ahead of your own comfort. For every call to submission in this passage, Paul writes a counterbalancing demand on the one being submitted to, so that the whole thing becomes something alive and mutual rather than a mechanism for keeping someone in their place.

The honest action step here is this: read Ephesians 5:21–33 slowly, and ask yourself which side of the equation you have been reading. If you have only been thinking about what the passage asks of your spouse, it may be worth sitting with what it asks of you.

Lead Pastor Ryan Mustered, who was raised on a farm in this region and has been in pastoral ministry for over fifteen years, described it from inside his own marriage: most of the time, he and his wife Melinda are talking, praying, postponing decisions when they're not in agreement, trusting that God is working through both of them. The picture of submission as a husband issuing directives and a wife complying is not what Paul is describing and is not what a healthy marriage built on this passage looks like. What it looks like is two people each trying to outlove the other — each trying to make it easier for the other person to trust, to follow, to lean in.

Paul uses a striking image for this. He says marriage is meant to mirror the relationship between Christ and the church. Think of the ways Christ relates to those who follow him: he is willing to lay down his life, to protect from harm, to pursue with patience, to love without requiring that it be earned first. That is the model for husbands. And the church — the people of God — respond to that kind of love with trust and respect. Not compliance under duress. Trust, freely given, because the love on the other side is real.

This is also where Paul's instruction lands hardest on the men in the room. If a husband is sitting back while Paul addresses his wife, it's worth taking a long look at whether he is leading in a way that is genuinely worth trusting. Is he in the Word? Is he forsaking the things that would damage his family? Is he willing to do the hard thing even when he could hand it off? A wife should be able to say, without hesitation, "I trust where this man is headed because I know who he is following." That is the standard Paul is describing.

One honest step: if your marriage has felt more like a standoff than a partnership, consider whether one of you needs to go first — not to concede defeat, but to demonstrate the kind of love that makes it easier for the other person to move toward you.

Paul does not limit this to husbands and wives. He turns to children and parents, to employees and employers, and the same counterbalancing structure holds throughout. "Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right" — and immediately, "Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord" (Ephesians 6:1, 4). Every relationship in this passage is governed by the same principle: the person in authority is not exempt from sacrifice. They are called to a heavier weight, not a lighter one.

For the employee who is working under a difficult boss, Paul says to work as if you are working for the Lord himself — not as a performance for human eyes, but as a genuine act of service. And then he turns to the employer: "Do the same for them, and stop your threatening, knowing that he who is both their master and yours is in heaven, and that there is no partiality with him" (Ephesians 6:9). God is watching how power gets used. That is not a small thing to sit with if you are in a position of authority.

What makes this possible — any of it, in any relationship — is what Paul names in Ephesians 5:18: being filled with the Spirit. None of this runs on willpower. It runs on something given. Which is why the invitation at the end of all of this is not "try harder." It is "go to the source."
One honest step: think of the relationship in your life where respect feels like it needs to be earned before you'll give it. What would it cost you to give it first?

In Watseka and across Iroquois County, people carry a lot without making much noise about it. Hard marriages, strained relationships with kids who've gone a direction that worries you, bosses you've learned not to trust. If any of what you've read here has touched something real, Trinity Church Watseka Campus is a place where those things can be named out loud. The people there are not interested in giving you a performance — they're interested in walking with you. You can find out more or plan a visit at the Watseka Campus page, and if you'd like someone to talk to, pastoral counseling is available through the church as well.

Biblical submission in marriage — and in every relationship — is not about who wins. It is about who is willing to go first in laying something down. Paul makes the call mutual, the standard high, and the source clear: we do this out of reverence for Christ, who submitted to the point of death for people who hadn't earned it and couldn't repay it. That is the model, and it does not ask perfection. It asks direction.

If something in this landed for you, you are welcome to plan your visit to Trinity Church Watseka Campus and come sit with people who are working through the same things. Or if you're not ready for that, you can fill out a Connection Card — for a prayer request, a question, or just to stay connected without any pressure attached to it.

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